I was driving to work in Michigan on June 23 of this year when I got a message to call my sister Dee in Pennsylvania. Dee said Mom was in the hospital because her diaphragm was pressing on her lungs, and she had extreme difficulty breathing. The only way doctors could keep her alive would be to put her on a respirator. Knowing that Mom had a “do not resuscitate” order, I told Dee that Mom wouldn’t want to live under those circumstances. We needed to let her go.

So Dee put her cell phone to Mom’s ear; I said a prayer for her and told her it was okay to let go. My daughter Maria was visiting Mom at the time. She sat with Mom, holding her hand, praying with her, and telling her that when Grandpa came it was okay to go. Some time later, Maria reported that Mom got a small smile on her face as if my Dad came for her. Mom took her last breath and left us. I got the call about her passing at 1 p.m.

Fortunately, I had recently seen Mom for her 85th birthday and an early Mother’s Day celebration. So I was at peace with her going. Yet when I got the call, I felt like a vacuum cleaner had been attached to my feet and sucked out all my energy, followed by a steamroller that flattened me forwards and backwards. I was prepared to cry, but I did not expect my physical responses of gastrointestinal distress, extreme fatigue, and lack of interest in food.

So I looked up symptoms of grief on the Internet, where I learned that such physical reactions are a normal response to loss. They may occur after losses other than death, such as a family member’s transfer out of state, a grandchild’s departure for the military, a divorce in the family, loss of a job or a pet, retirement, or personal disability.

Feelings of grief may sneak up on you. I was visiting a beautiful flower garden where I saw an unusual bloom and thought, “I’ll tell Mom about this.” Then I realized that she was no longer a phone call away, and I cried. Over time, I discovered ways to cope with grief attacks. Here are some of them.

Let your tears flow. Surrendering to grief may shorten its duration. Your friends and family will understand. Be aware that the confusion and emotional paralysis following a loss take time to reverse. You may have short-term memory problems or be unable to concentrate; this will pass. For help with memory issues, see Feed Your Brain for Memory at www.FeedYourBrain.org.

Focus on eating well, particularly getting enough protein. Protein helps your brain focus, remember, and concentrate. Keep nutritious, frozen meals and even high-protein meal bars for those times you need to eat, but don’t want to cook. If friends offer to help, ask them to invite you for a meal or bring a casserole. You need to eat—even if you don’t feel like it.

Rebuild your energy with sleep and rest. Grief is exhausting. I was used to walking several miles on a weekend. After Mom’s death, I got tired walking just one block. So I went at the pace my body could handle. I took more naps and slept more, which eased my grief.

Let others help you. While accepting help from others often is hard, think of it as assistance to recovery. Two friends helped me write Mom’s funeral service; others took me to a movie when I didn’t want to be alone. The more help I accepted, the more hopeful I became.

Engage in pleasure. Get a massage, or sit in a hot tub to reduce body tension that often accompanies grief. Turn off depressing newscasts and movies. Instead, sing to your favorite joyful music, and try swimming or walking. You can also stroke a pet, embrace a teddy bear, buy flowers, or let someone hug you. Write in a journal to vent emotions. Playing with children can add joy.

Rub your ears. A simple way to ease grief is to put your fingers at the bottom of your ears where they join your face. Gently rub any tender spots behind your ears. This sends energy into the limbic system of your brain to relieve grief.

Seek a support group. There are grief support groups at hospitals, churches, widows and widowers groups, funeral homes, and organizations like hospice and the Alzheimer’s Association. Meeting other people who face losses eases your feelings of loneliness. Talking about your loss helps you let go of it more quickly.

Trust that grief will pass, leaving you with more delight in life—much like the joy of spring that follows winter.

© Sandy Baumann, 2008

Sandy Baumann, M.S., is an author, health coach, and professional speaker. If this article helped you, feel free to email her at emergingfree2000@yahoo.com.